Chapter 228
Sleeping… isn’t happening.
Kind of obvious, considering.
My entire body’s languid, worn out from Caine’s touch and the emotional overload of the moment. My face? On fire. And my heart…
…is a little frustrated.
Even after a bird bath in the bathroom—a shower would be too much noise, and I don’t want to wake the children—and about ten solid minutes of me pacing in circles trying to figure out if I’m a virgin or not, along with some regret over not looking down to see exactly how much “the tip” means, I finally flop back into my tiny third of the bed, grateful for once Bun has rolled all the way over to the other side, curled up in her sister’s warmth.
Then I bang my face against my pillow a few times with a silent groan.
Stupid. Couldn’t just grit my teeth and bear it for a few more minutes? Overreact from a little pain and the man won’t even pop my cherry properly.
Not like it’s his fault. I’m not blaming him. The blame’s not only mine, but gift-wrapped with a whole ass bow on top.
Sure, losing my virginity in a truck in the middle of the night was not exactly how I thought it would go, but the heat level was definitely there, and my body was ready, and most importantly, I didn’t pass out.
Everything. Was. Perfect.
And then stupid me had to…
Argh.
Burying my face into my pillow with a silent scream eases the frustration in my soul a little bit, though every time I move my nether lady bits twinge. Which is totally a sign I’m not a virgin, I think, and some tiny, prudish part of my soul is absolutely horrified.
For years, I thought I wouldn’t have sex until I was married. Even when Rafe would occasionally try to go beyond kissing, I’d push him away. For whatever reason, my skin would crawl a little whenever he’d stick a hand up my shirt, and I was never fond of him kissing anywhere except my lips. Even our first kiss had taken forever, and… was admittedly a little underwhelming after all the excitement and build-up.
Of course, Rafe had never blamed me, insisting he respected my boundaries. And yet…
Popping my face out of my pillow, I roll onto my back, rubbing the tips of my fingers gently over the purplish marks Caine left against my neck with a faint smile. Funny; Caine can smash through my boundaries without a single apology and I melt in his arms, somewhat literally. And yet Rafe would push time and time again, only for me to deny him, ending up in yet another round of apologies and assurances where I somehow felt as though I’d wronged him even as he told me he respected how I felt.
But—funny, how he had so much respect and yet never stopped.
And then to ignore my boundaries completely once his fated mate appeared and he threw me away.
Ugh.
No.
Ruining beautiful memories with thoughts of that bastard should be illegal. Thought police, lock me up.
In the darkness, I’m barely able to make out the details of the ceiling; the blackout blinds in the RV work great, only allowing a sliver of light in through the sides. Great for sleep, sucks when you’re used to staring blankly at random details to focus your squirrel brain.
No wonder I’m thinking about nonsensical bullshit about my past.
Since I can’t distract my overeager mind, I push a finger hard against one of the hickeys. There are several, all over my neck and some over my collarbone, each one bringing memories of pleasure and arousal when I think of his mouth against my skin.
How soon can we do this again?
My body’s running low on arcana, but thanks to Lyre’s little bit of teaching, it’s a lot easier to replenish than before. Like now, without thinking, I’ve been pulling arcana in—the magical equivalent of fast-charging versus slow.
If I really focus, I wonder how long it would take to top me off. And then, maybe, we can revisit this whole virginity thing and take care of the question once and for all…
But, how exactly do I bring up the subject? Because I’m pretty sure saying “Have sex with me” is not how it’s supposed to happen.
Though I’m not exactly opposed, I might die of embarrassment before the words get out.
My phone buzzes against my hip somewhere, and I reach for it blindly, not wanting to move too much. Whatever energy my body had has been sucked out by Caine.
A quick tap of the screen brings harsh blue light, and I desperately tap down the brightness until it’s not eyeball-searing, glancing hesitantly at the girls to my side.
They’re still snoozing peacefully.
Rolling carefully to my side to block the light, I squint at my display, wishing it wouldn’t destroy my retinas even on the lowest brightness setting.
There’s a whole cluster of alerts, all from the Divinity App.
[DIVINITY SYSTEM NOTICE: Emergency Maintenance in Progress p>
[DIVINITY SYSTEM NOTICE: We apologize for the inconvenience p>
[DIVINITY SYSTEM NOTICE: In case of emergency, please queue through prayer p>
[DIVINITY SYSTEM NOTICE: We are aware the system is down. Abusing the report feature will incur penalties p>
[DIVINITY SYSTEM NOTICE: All accounts abusing the report feature have been banned for thirty-six hours p>
[DIVINITY SYSTEM NOTICE: CHAOS, STOP p>
Huh.
First off: I knew that damn mission alert was bugged to hell and back. Hopefully whatever they’re doing will fix it so I know what I’m supposed to do next.
Second: Wow, whoever’s working on the App seems to be a little touchy. Their professionalism went downhill fast.
Which begs the question: Who, exactly, is maintaining this App? I wonder if I’ll ever find out.
Another notification.
[DIVINITY SYSTEM NOTICE: Prayer queue has been suspended until further notice p>
It feels like there’s a story behind this, and I’m desperate to know how one suspends prayer. If I pray now, is someone going to just… block my thoughts?
Or do prayers just go into the abyss?
Wait—did prayers always go into the abyss? Which prayers reach the gods? Is there some sort of required faith level for it to make it into whatever queue they’re talking about, or are only people with access able to reach the ears of the divine?
So many questions. Too bad there isn’t a Divinities for Dummies book. I’d devour it in a heartbeat.
Bun shifts in her sleep and I hastily turn off the screen, not wanting to wake her.
Mysterious App issues aside, I just need to wait for its maintenance to end so I can decipher my new mission and get the hell out of here. Between worrying about Ellie’s next move, the bad memories I seem to hold onto now that I’m back, and the headache of knowing Caeriel’s watching my every move…
I stiffen.
Fuck.
That creep wasn’t watching us, was he?
Ugh.
I hope not.
My phone vibrates again, and I peek at the display with the assumption it’s another crazy App notice.
But it’s not.
It’s a text message.
From Lyre.
I sit up so fast I nearly drop the phone, then freeze, checking to make sure I haven’t woken the girls. Thankfully, they don’t stir.
I open the message, heart pounding with relief; it’s been radio silence over there, and I’ve been worried.
The words on the screen make me blink, certain I’ve misread:
[LYRE: Want some more kids p>