Chapter 195
Kai POV
The amber liquid swirled in my glass as I stared out the window of my office, watching the late afternoon sun cast long shadows across the pack grounds. Three days. It had been three days since I’d seen Lily, since I’d held her in my arms by the lake, since I’d nearly killed the woman I loved more than life itself.
I lifted the whiskey to my lips, savoring the burn as it slid down my throat. The alcohol did nothing to numb the ache in my chest or quiet the relentless demands of my wolf, but it was the only coping mechanism I had left that didn’t involve destroying everything in reach.
The pain was indescribable—a constant, gnawing emptiness that felt like part of my soul had been ripped away. But worse than the pain was the longing, the desperate need that clawed at me every waking moment. Hud paced restlessly beneath my skin, whining and snarling by turns, unable to understand why we were denying ourselves our mate.
Her mark still throbbed on my neck, a constant reminder of what we’d shared before everything went wrong. Her scent lingered in my nostrils despite the days that had passed, vanilla and wildflowers that made my chest tight with yearning every time I caught even the faintest trace of it.
But beneath the longing was something darker—the memory of my hands around her throat, the feeling of her pulse fluttering weakly beneath my fingers, the terrible moment when I’d looked into her eyes and seen fear. Fear of me. Fear of what I could do to her. I wondered if she would ever forgive me. Hell, I wondered if I would ever forgive myself.
Sighing heavily, I took another sip of whiskey and tried not to think about how she was doing, whether she was safe, if the bruises I’d left on her throat had healed. The not knowing was almost worse than the separation itself.
To maintain what little sanity I had left, I’d blocked our mate link—severing the emotional connection that would normally allow me to sense her feelings and general wellbeing. It was like cutting off a limb, but it was the only way to resist the overwhelming urge to seek her out again.
My mother had been livid when she’d discovered what had happened between us. The lecture had lasted hours, punctuated by threats and ultimatums that still made my ears ring. She’d been particularly incensed about the fresh mate mark on my neck, evidence of our intimacy that she’d spotted the moment I’d walked through the front door.
As punishment—though she called it “protective measures”—she’d confiscated my phone and assigned a rotating team of elite guards to shadow my every movement. They were discrete but thorough, ensuring I couldn’t slip away to find Lily without triggering an immediate response. The tracking devices they’d insisted I wear felt like electronic shackles, constant reminders of my diminished freedom. I was Alpha but right now, I felt like an Omega. My mother had taken away all my authority.
A soft knock interrupted my brooding, and I called for whoever it was to enter without turning from the window.
“Kai?” Liam’s familiar voice filled the office as he stepped inside. “The finance department asked me to give you the final budgeting proposal for the gala night. They want you to review it and provide feedback before they submit it to the planning committee p>
When I didn’t immediately respond, I heard his footsteps approach. “Kai, are you alright p>
I shook my head, downing the rest of my whiskey in one burning gulp. The empty glass felt heavy in my hands as I turned to face my beta, my oldest friend, the one person who knew better than anyone how much I was suffering.
“I miss her so much, Liam,” I said, my voice rough with pain I could no longer hide. “I miss my mate. I want to be with her p>
The admission hung between us. Liam’s expression softened with sympathy, but I could see the conflict in his eyes—his desire to help warring with his understanding of why the separation was necessary.
“You know you can’t do that,” he said gently. “As much as you miss her, staying away is the right thing to do p>
I nodded, forcing my features into a semblance of normalcy as I looked at the file in his hands. There was no point in dwelling on what couldn’t be changed. I had responsibilities to my pack, duties that couldn’t be neglected just because my personal life was in shambles.
“I’ll check that,” I said, accepting the budget proposal from him.
I settled into my desk chair and began perusing the document, trying to focus on numbers and logistics instead of the hollow ache in my chest. The annual pack gala was one of our most important social events, bringing together allied packs for networking and diplomacy. It required careful planning and substantial resources, but the political benefits were invaluable.
After several minutes of review, I closed the file and handed it back to Liam. “Tell them to increase the guest list by an additional hundred. It’s better to have a few empty seats than to turn away potential allies at the door p>
Liam nodded, making a note in his phone. “I’ll pass that along.” He started toward the door, then paused and turned back. “Are you going to be alright p>
I managed what I hoped was a reassuring smile. “I’ll try to be p>
He studied my face for a moment, clearly seeing through my attempt at composure. With a sigh, he said something that surprised me.
“Luna Helen will kill me for this, but if you’re so worried about Lily, you could call her p>
I shook my head immediately. “My mother took my phone. Part of her ’protective measures’ to ensure I don’t do anything else foolish p>
Liam hesitated, then reached into his pocket and pulled out his own device. “How about you use mine p>