Chapter 21
He just doesn’t get it. This is Sierra we are talking about. I doubt I’ll ever be happy with her.
“Yeah, but the difference is that Dad felt something for Mom… I feel nothing for Sierra except hate. I don’t and will never love her p>
He downs his drink. “Never say never p>
I shoot him a glare. That’s not happening, Chloe owns my heart, and no one will ever replace her.
“You’re not helping,” I snap.
“Look, I can’t help you, Noah,” he says, voice quieter now. “Remember my story? My mom didn’t want me. Wanted to abort me. If it wasn’t for my dad, I wouldn’t be here. Is that what you want? To abort your flesh and blood?” 2
I look away, but it’s too late. He saw it. Saw what I’m trying to hide.
“Tell me you didn’t ask her to abort the child,” he explodes.
His fury is so palpable, I can feel it thickening the air around us.
The fact that Aunt Emma didn’t want Gunner broke him for the longest. They have a great relationship now, but the scars of those wounds are still there… And now here I am wanting to do the same thing.
“You don’t understand p>
“Understand what? That you want to kill an innocent child?” he snaps.
My anger rises, matching his. “I don’t want this baby! I don’t want a child with anyone. Especially Sierra p>
How could I want a kid with her after how she treated Chloe? After all the nasty and disgusting things she did to my wife, someone she claimed was her friend. Why would I want such a woman in my life, let alone the mother of my child? 3
Gunner stares at me like he’s seen a stranger before shaking his head. The disappointment in his eyes is clear… but this is the one thing I’m not willing to budge on.
Honestly speaking, it fucking stings that he’s taking her side instead of mine.
Then, he stands. “I suggest you think real hard about what you’re doing. Do you really want to be that guy p>
He walks out. The door closes behind him, and I’m alone again. Stewing in my anger, confusion and bitterness.
I don’t stay either. Soon after, I leave too.
Perks of drinking at one of Dad’s clubs? No bill.
When I get home, it’s already past nine and the house is quiet.
I pass through the hall, the silence heavier than usual. Chloe used to always be here, waiting for me. No matter how late it was. These quiet nights? They’re when I miss her the most. When I wish someone else could have been taken in her place.
I step into the twins‘ room. They’re soundly asleep. Nolan’s sprawled out, snoring softly while Nova clutches. her favorite turtle toy to her chest.
I wanted them to have separate rooms, but they threw the worst tantrum I’ve ever seen. In the end I gave in and let them be. We can always revisit that subject when they’re older.
I gently reposition Nolan and fuck him in. My heart aches as I look at them. They’re our miracles. The best parts of me and Chloe.
I remember how Chloe and I tried so hard for them.
We wanted to start a family immediately, but after months of trying and failing, we decided to visit a specialist. That’s when we got the terrible news: Chloe suffered from low egg count. 2
We immediately began treatment and were put on assisted reproduction. Not once did she lose hope and she always believed that we would have twins. I had my doubts, but I kept my hope alive for her sake because I couldn’t bear to see her disappointed.
I watched her get through the intense treatment. I was there through the nausea and vomiting, bruising, and soreness. So many times I wanted her to stop, but she wouldn’t. She wanted a child so badly and I would do anything to make her happy, so I swallowed the pain of watching her go through what I considered at that time as torture.
One year later her efforts bore fruit. She became pregnant and the bonus on top of that? She was expecting twins. A boy and a girl, just like she had prayed and wished for. I was happy and finally I could put the torture of seeing her in that state behind me.
We both cried when they were born and Chloe gave each a name starting with N. She thought it was cute that my name rhymed with those of our children.
We were so happy and thought it would be the start of our family expanding… but none of us knew that just a few years later we would lose Chloe. No one saw it coming.
Losing broke me in ways I never knew were possible. I don’t think I’ll ever recover those pieces because the day I buried Chloe, I buried my heart with her.
I’m still here because of our children. Because I promised her that I would be there for them.
I miss her every single day. Nolan and Nova are what keep me sane. Seeing them, seeing their mother in them, keeps me moving forward even when I feel like giving up.
I kiss them both gently and step out.
The truth is, taking responsibility for Sierra’s baby isn’t the part that terrifies me. What terrifies me is that I don’t think I’ll ever love him or her like I love Nolan and Nova… And no child deserves that. 3