Chapter 161
For a while, Lilly and I just sit there, both lost in our thoughts. Outside, a bird chirps, startling me a little.
Lilly finally exhales, running her fingers through her hair. “You know, Sierra,” she says softly, “you can keep saying you’re over him, but I don’t think you are.” 1
I groan quietly, leaning back against the headboard. “Lilly, please… Why the hell won’t you let this go already? I’m tired of the same old topic. You’ve been pushing this since I was in the hospital p>
I can’t understand what has gotten into her all of a sudden. What happened to always telling me that I deserve better?
“No, listen.” Her tone sharpens a little. “You’ve held yourself back for so many years. From love, from giving another man a chance, and from living. You built this wall around your heart and you’ve stayed inside it so long that you’ve convinced yourself you’re better off alone p>
I glance at her, tiredly. “My heart’s too broken, Lilly. Too wounded to give it to someone else. You know what happened. You saw me fall apart… How can I trust love again p>
I was content with my life. If I needed my sexual needs to be met, I got someone. I had a few one–night stands, but mostly I had arrangements. A friend–with–benefits type of arrangement.
The rules were always clear to the guy, and if things ever crossed to emotions and the guy started developing feelings, I would end the arrangement quickly. It never bothered me and I didn’t want anything more than a casual fling.
I never dreamed of getting into a relationship. Love had damaged me too much for me to look forward to a happily ever after kind of shit. I always knew it would be just me and my work, but now with my baby on the way, I don’t have to live such a lonely life. I’ll have someone I love, and they love me back.
“And yet, in all this time, you’ve never seriously dated anyone. Not once. You really expect me to believe that’s because no one has ever wanted you?” Lilly doesn’t relent, her voice pulling back to the present.
I look away. “It’s not that p>
“Then what?” she presses.
I pick at the hem of the pillowcase, avoiding her eyes. “I just haven’t met anyone who’s caught my attention p>
It’s true, I haven’t met anyone that has caught my interest, but as soon as I say it, Adrian’s face flashes in my mind. His calm voice, his peaceful aura. The way he made me feel safe, heard and seen. The few minutes I spend with him at the café plays in my head, but I force it away… No. Absolutely not. He’s my OB–GYN, not a man I should be thinking about that way. 9
I shake my head quickly, trying to chase the thought away.
Lilly catches the tiny flicker in my expression and smirks. “See? That right there. The fact that you’re trying so hard not to think about someone else. That’s proof you haven’t let go of Noah. If you truly had, you’d have moved on years ago p>
I sigh deeply. “You make it sound so simple… but it’s hard to make a dead heart beat again p>
“It’s not simple,” she admits. “But you can’t keep running away from love because of what happened in the past. You deserve to feel something again, Si. You deserve to let your heart breathe. You deserve love p>
Her words settle somewhere deep, stirring emotions I wish would stay buried. I want to argue, to tell her she’s wrong but the truth is, a part of me still aches for what could have been. Part of me, one I don’t want to acknowledge, still craves that fairy–tale kind of love.
I open my mouth to speak but stop myself. I’m tired of talking about Noah. Tired of dissecting my pain as if it’s a puzzle to solve.
“I found a mysterious card earlier.” I say suddenly, changing the subject.
Lilly blinks. “What card p>
Reaching under me, I pull out the black card. It’s crumpled, but the name on the card is still clear, as if the mocking me.
I hand it to her carefully. “This p>
She takes it, frowning. “What is it p>
“I found it today,” I tell her, watching as she opens and reads it. “It was among the get–well cards that I received while at the hospital p>
Her expression darkens, and in that moment, she reminds me so much of Noah. Is this something that all the Wood family members have? That ability to turn really scary. I’ve witnessed it with Uncle Rowan and Gabe too.
“Have you told Noah?” she asks, an edge to her voice
“I didn’t get the chance. Brook came in minutes later and then you know what happened after,” I say quietly.