Chapter 354
That’s how they find me. On the floor, head in my hands, eyes burning and face wet with tears I can’t seem to stop.
“Noah…” Mom’s gentle and soft voice cuts through the fog surrounding me.
I lift my head, and there she is kneeling in front of me, her eyes filled with nothing but worry. The moment my eyes connect with her brown ones, something inside me just completely breaks.
I don’t think; I don’t care who’s watching. I don’t care that I’m a grown man, that I have kids of my own or that I’m supposed to have it together… I just fall straight into her.
My arms wrap around her like she’s the only thing keeping me from falling apart completely, and I hold on tightly and desperately, using her as my anchor.
“Mom…” My voice cracks, barely more than a whisper. It sounds broken, fragile and nothing like me at all.
Her arms come around me instantly, her hand moving up and down my back in slow, soothing strokes.
“Shh… it’s okay,” she murmurs. “Everything is going to be okay p>
But I shake my head against her shoulder.
“No… no, it’s not,” I choke out, my grip tightening. “There was so much blood, Mom… so much blood p>
The words come out rushed and panicked. I can’t stop seeing the image of her in a pool of blood. I can’t stop seeing how pale she was. I can’t stop remembering how still she was.
“I—I couldn’t stop it. I didn’t know what to do. She was just lying there and she wouldn’t wake up.” My voice breaks, the memory crashing into me all over again.
My chest tightens painfully, my breaths coming in uneven, shallow pulls.
“And the baby…” I whisper, my voice trembling. “Mom, what if—what if I lose them both p>
The thought alone feels like it’s ripping me apart from the inside. I know I didn’t want the baby at the start, but somewhere along the way, something changed.
Maybe it was how she was stubborn when it came to the baby. Maybe it’s how Nova and Nolan couldn’t stop talking about the baby. Maybe it’s seeing my parents and sisters so excited about him; either way, something changed.
“You won’t. We won’t lose any of them,” she says firmly, pulling back just enough to cup my face in her hands. “And don’t for a second think like that p>
I want to. I really do, but I can see the fear in her eyes. She’s just as scared as I am.
“I should’ve been there,” I say hoarsely, guilt settling deep in my bones. “I should’ve protected her. I told Brook to stay away from her and I still—I still let this happen p>
A sob escapes me before I can stop it as guilt crashes down on me. I should have done something earlier. I should have dealt with Brook sooner, but I believed that no matter her cruelty she wouldn’t take it too far. My inability to see her viciousness… my stupidity in giving her chances after chances is why we are here now.
“I keep hurting her, Mom,” I whisper, my voice breaking under the weight of it. “Even when I’m not trying to… I still hurt her p>
And that is something that is breaking me. No matter what I do. No matter what I try, it’s like I’m just destined to be a thorn in her life.
Her expression softens, her thumb brushing away tears I didn’t even realize were still falling.
“This wasn’t your fault, Noah,” she says gently.
But I shake my head again.
“It is,” I admit. “It feels like everything that touches me ends up broken. Like I can’t be near her without something happening to her… Am I cursed? Is that why my presence brings her nothing but pain even when I’m not trying p>