Chapter 153
Noah
I don’t know how long I’ve been standing here. Long enough to feel like an intruder in my own house.
Sierra’s laugh drifts across the room, wrapping around my children like sunlight. Nova is nestled in her lap, Nolan pressed close on the other side, both of them chattering and grinning as if they’ve known her forever. Sierra’s hand moves through Nova’s hair, her broken arm resting awkwardly in its sling. She looks exhausted, but she still smiles. A smile I’ve been trying not to think about.
It should be harmless. Her sitting there with them. But it isn’t. It feels wrong. Wrong because she’s here, in mine and Chloe’s house. Wrong because the twins are looking at her with the same adoration they once saved for their mother… and it fucking burns that she’s the one here and not Chloe. 3
I hate it. Hate that she’s the one with them but I also can’t help being drawn to her. What is it about her? I’ve never understood her pull. There was once a time she drew me in. Tethered me in ways I could barely understand or think straight… but I hated it then like I hate it now. 1
I shouldn’t be okay with my kids clinging to her like she’s a lifeline, but part of me can’t be mad. How can I when my kids can finally smile freely around someone who isn’t my family? When they no longer look like going through the motions.
Do I wish it wasn’t Sierra bringing them out of their shell? Yes, but that doesn’t stop the complicated feelings I have when it comes to her.
Nova looks up and spots me.“Daddy, we were just talking to Sierra! She said she feels better now p>
Her voice is bright and full of life. The kind that cuts through the fog that’s been hanging in this house since Chloe died.
It just reminds me how terrible of a father I’ve been. I got so lost in my denial and grief after Chloe died, that I forgot I wasn’t the only one who lost. I didn’t know how to deal with my own grief, so how could I them with theirs? I wasn’t there to help them through it so lost in my own that I never realized they’d lost their spark.
Maybe it’s time I woke up. Time I started doing better. Not for me, but theirs. They already lost one parent. What I’ve been doing is forcing them to lose another one.
I clear my throat, forcing those thoughts down.
“That’s good, sweetheart.” My voice comes out rougher than I intend. “Dinner’s ready p>
Sierra glances at me, her expression unreadable, then gently lifts Nova off her lap. “Let’s not keep your dad waiting,” she says softly.
Funny how I used to read her like an open book and now I can’t. I don’t know what she’s thinking or feeling. It’s like she learned to hide her feelings. Probably because I used to taunt her with them.
At the table, the silence starts before anyone even sits down. The twins take their places, too busy whispering to each other to notice the tension coiling between Sierra and me. Brook’s seat is empty. I don’t have to ask where she is; I can still feel the storm she left behind.
Sierra sits across the twins, her posture perfect, her eyes fixed on the plate. The smell of roasted chicken and herbs fills the air, but no one touches their food at first.
Then Nova, in her usual fearless way, breaks the silence.
“Aunt Sierra, is your baby okay p>
Sierra’s fork freezes midair. Slowly, she looks at Nova, then at me, as if searching for permission to answer.
The baby is still a touchy subject. I’ve been trying not to think about it because thinking about it means that I’ve accepted the baby, and right now, I’m not anywhere near accepting that baby.
“Yes,” she finally says softly. “The baby’s fine p>
Nova’s eyes widen. “Really? I can’t wait to see him or her. I’ll love it so much”
“Nova,” Nolan mutters, rolling his eyes. “You can’t just say that p>
“Why not? I wish her baby was our sibling. We would have so much fun”
Both Sierra freeze at the same time. Fuck if she only knew they’re siblings. She’d be overjoyed and she’ll be the best big sister. Nolan will be the overprotective big brother…. But my inability to accept this baby is what stands in the way.
“That would be awesome” Nolan mumbles quietly.
His agreement twists something in me. Fuck does this mean they are okay with another woman as their mom? I stop those thoughts before they can take root. No one is replacing my wife 2
Nova sets down his fork. “Can you tell us more about Mommy?” She asks Sierra.
My chest tightens. The familiar pang reminding me of just how royally I’ve been messing up with them. My heart pounds erratically as I wait for Sierra’s reaction.
“What would you like to know sweetheart?” she answers, her voice calm but distant. Her eyes hiding a kind of pain I don’t understand.
“Anything really” Nolan answers. “We just want to hear about her”
“Your mom was… very special.” She pauses, then adds with a small smile, “Did I tell you she loved pillow fights p>