Chapter 414
After dinner, the twins insist she helps tuck them in. We go together, the routine surprisingly easy, like we’ve done it a hundred times before. Nova falls asleep first. After Nolan falls asleep, we step out of his room, closing the door behind us.
I hesitate before speaking “Can we talk p>
She turns to me, a hint of curiosity in her expression, but she nods. “Okay p>
I take a breath, and for the first time in a long time, I don’t hold back.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I’m sorry for everything. For the way I treated you, for not believing you, for choosing someone else over you when I had no reason to doubt you in the first place p>
“Noah p>
“Please, let me just finish p>
She nods, folding her arms across her chest.
“I know you said you don’t want any apologies, but I have to” I murmur, “I hurt you over and over again. I dismissed you, disrespected you, made you feel like you didn’t matter, like you weren’t worth choosing p>
My chest tightens as I force myself to keep going.
“I let you down in every possible way and even now, I keep expecting you to just forgive me like I didn’t spend years giving you reasons not to… I’m not apologizing to earn your forgiveness, I know I don’t deserve it, but I’m apologizing because I know what I did is wrong. It was inhuman. You didn’t deserve any of it p>
Fuck I’m terrible at this, but all I can hope is that she’ll understand what I’m trying to say.
She holds my gaze for a moment before speaking.
“I can’t say that I’ve truly forgiven you,” she says softly. “But I have let it go p>
“Do you hate me?” I ask, the question slipping out before I can stop it.
She shakes her head. “No. I don’t hate you… I did, but that was before I chose to let all the pain and hurt go. My therapist told me hating someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die and I felt that, Noah. I hated you for a long time but all it did was drain me. I’m the one who was hurting all these years while you lived happily with Chloe p>
She doesn’t say the words with malice, but the way it still slices through me is similar to being cut wide open by a double-edged sword.
“I didn’t want to live with that hate. It burdened my heart and tainted my soul, so chose to let it all go instead,” she continues.
“I-I,” I don’t even know what I want to say but I don’t get the chance to because she cuts me off.
“It’s okay Noah,” she says, “Part of everything that happened was my fault. If I’d just let go of your earlier instead of holding on and hoping, none of this would have happened… I should have walked away and moved on with my life the first time you chose Chloe and that’s on me…I don’t regret what happened because that would mean regretting Val and I would never regret my baby, but I just wish I had let go earlier. That would have made everything easier p>
Her words destroy me from the inside. My soul is aching, my heart is bleeding and everything feels hollow.
“I am sorry,” I say again, my voice breaking.
She studies me for a second before giving a small nod.
“I know.” She replies then walks away leaving me standing there feeling like my word just ended.